daily ruzz

my mouth suffered a massive terrorist action.

in true judeo-christian fashion i had to end my good day with bad. Can't have the sweet without the sour, i guess. I crawled into to bed about 4am and was overcome with the most fantastic toothache. if this toothache was running for president.. it would be a landslide. so powerful and convincing that it could rule the free world. and the ladies it would bed. oh my.

i saw it coming at 12. bad molar rising. tried to rationalize with it by way of a small ibu bombardment. terrorists can't be reasoned with.

so again i dropped some bombs at 4. didn't even phase the freedom fighters.

so 5am i get up and cut the heat. freeze those fuckers out. ice bags tend to smell, you know.

watched the last of waking life hoping the ibu would cover the pain. hope is futile when you deal with an organization who hates your way of life. this molar, this terrorist molar believes it has claim to the lower right back of my mouth. says it's been on the land, or under, for 15 years at least, and is willing to die for a homeland.

my molar wants to be israel. it doesn't care who suffers to get there.

so i retire, more tactical ibuprophen strikes. more ice. and eventually drift off to a light throbbing sleep.

trouble breaks out in korea. or my kitchen area. also called korea.

annabelle is manufacturing nuclear meows. she's threatening to sell them to my subconscious. a late night meeting with the joint chief of staffs and we decide to use the a-bomb.  airwalk bomb. direct hit.

periodic fighting breaks out in all the hotspots through out the night.

12pm rolls around and i've barely slept. my mouth is still under attack, the al-annabelle is still mixing it up from scattered to rolling meows. my throat hurts. my head is clear as not fuckin clear at all and i wonder.

is this all that there is?

it's coming

i feel like a serial killer whose been on the run, clarice. hiding here and there, and always just a half step ahead of my hunters. no time for sleep, or eats, or relaxing or even really thinking--just stay alive and free.

and now, having been caught (or solved the problems i was having to keep the metaphor straight) i can feel the sleep coming. i can feel the tension easing out of me and the adrenaline that's kept me running these long days is evaporating through my skin.

and it will be glorious.

but first, FIFA.
well, really first Scrubs. then FIFA.
then

yes then,
sleep.

not three or six

there was not three, or six, or four, or one. nor was there nine or two. there wasn't even five or seven. surely there was not eight.

no dear nation of ruzz. there was ten.

ten hours bundled sweet as a box of kittens in my sleep last night.

ten.

whatever

sleep. no sleep. i'm tired of talking, thinking, feeling about sleep. it's over-rated, any old ways. last night a customer was here and he says "russ, you look like shit man." I thanked him. what else can you say to that?

he got here at the tail end of almost three straight days of trying to build a server that won't come into this world. it just will not. and at first, i thought maybe i could coax it in. now, i'm thinking i should coax it into little peices instead.

he asked me, "why are you so concerned about this server?" and i told him.

told him i need to move ineluctable and every other hosted site on bgm1 before it dies. told him, i need it for an app thats nearing testing. told him there is a principal to the fuckin thing.

being in my 21st year of working on computers i feel pretty strongly that i should win these fights. regardless of who dies because of it, the battle needs to go my way in the end. 21 years. 1983-2004. and still, even explaining all that to the server--nothing.

and he said i should take a couple steps back and think about "priorities" and i said, in the computer world life doesn't work like that. We work on "this is broken now, i have to fix it now" and this is symbolic of my entire life.

my life is an analogy, it seems.

i've also been working on my wiki. it's been more work fending off inquiries of what a wiki is than to get it populated inbetween server reboots. i can't tell you what a wiki is. no one can. i can tell you what makes it work, i can show you what mine is when it's ready, but your wiki would be your wiki. no two wiki's are alike. kinda like elbows.

jude is getting a wiki too. he says he will use it if i get the sw running. well, guess where i planned to have that running? the new server, very clever.

i haven't been taking pictures. i thought to myself, ruzz, capture this period. this insomnia and wood panelling. the breaking snow-ice. your breath in the air. then i decided i didn't really want a record of this. i hate this period between fall and winter. always.

i imagine this time to be what everyday for a suicidal depressive is like. dark. grey. sleepless and empty.

maybe it's not like that. maybe suicidal depressives are like wikis and elbows. all different. right down to the wood panelling.

and i did think about the order in which i'm working on things. and i realized my techie brain is beating out my business brain. so i've unplugged that evil server. i don't care what goes down, or who. it's waiting till i have time to get to it.

and, if i look at things without that on my back, i see that it's the 20th of the month and i need a day of hard code to cleanse this gunk.

then comes the easy stuff to get smokes and bread. then comes more code, then more easy for internet and scrubs. then..

i can sleep later. i would say when i'm dead, but that's cliche, and i'm immortal. not to mention, when you are dead, you're dead --not catching up on your sleep.

you think if depressives knew, like really knew, that they might be less like elbows?

everybody

"everybody everybody,
lets get to it,
let's get stupid"
Let's get retarded - Black Eyed Peas

Melatonin.
mellowtoneyin.
sleepdeepinyourevilbedyin.

let me first say i like this solution over eating my testicles. which, veronica thinks is gross. I don't think it's any more gross than eating meatballs with spagetti, but whatever floats your thingamabob.

and i can still have babies. yay me.

Sublingual. the placing of the hit of m under your tongue and letting it disolve ala white clinical LSD. not a good way for me to become friends with melatonin, but it works for quick absorbtion. which, i guess is why we always put our acid there.

so i took it, pulled up tietam brown --which is turning into a good book even if it was written by a pro wrestler-- and waited. i didn't know what i was waiting for, exactly, but i'm pretty good at waiting these days so i killed that wait time like it wasn't even there.

and what it turned out i was waiting for was a very gradual (over an hour) onsent of feeling quite tired. The kinda tired where it doesn't matter how you sit, you are comfortable, and warm, and wanting to sleep. it was smooth as the naughty nurse giving a rectal temperature reading.

by about an hour i was yawning a lot, so i closed the lights and lay down. it was a strange feeling. i felt as though i was just waking in the middle of the night to pee, but i hadn't even slept yet. So, another 20 mins or so and i was out.

and the time machine that is sleep transported me magically to the morning.

i remember waking once around 9 or 10 and thinking, i have to pee bad. then falling back to sleep before i could go.

then i woke at noon, and felt wide awake and ready to go through another day of hell. or life. or hell. or life. and i got me myself and i up for a smoke. I was talkin to kiki right after i woke up and my brain felt entirely rested and awake, but my body.. my body wanted to sleep still.

an entirely new type of groggy for me. results may vary.

But i am alert. rested. and feel like maybe, just maybe i can handle the day.

Other than that i have nothing to report. it worked like it should, i didn't feel drugged, or any thing odd. and i slept like a rock.

so there. i have work to do. you kids entertain your own selves.

this best work y0

my naughty nurse told me to turn and cough. then we had a smoke and she said "dood, get y0 ass some mellow-tone-in" and i said "lets do that again" and she sayd "shoosh" and i sayd "mellow-what-yin" and she sayd, "dorkus, go get herbal"

so i tried to buy some mellow-yellow-tone-in from my regular dealer and he sayd "homie, i do herb, but not the healthy kind" and sent me to London Drugs.

I found the melatonin, as it be called, for an insane $11.99 for 90 sublingual (more on that later) tablets.

for details on this supposed wonder drug go here.

I think it's crazy, but i'm going to go off my anti-psychotics for a day or two and try it out ;)