Thursday, October 07, 2004

boo.

this thing on?

Posted by ruzz on October 7, 2004 at 01:38 AM in that moment when you just | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBack

Thursday, September 23, 2004

this ol' ruzz

Photo_20040923_142350_0007_resize Maybe i'm just run out. it feels like ive run out. run out of steam. energy. sleep. peace. inspiration. but mostly, focus. a blurry shot is fine if that's what you were going for, a blurry life is too, if that's what you're going for. but is it?

I gotta say, i came back because i was bored and missed a bunch of you folks. i also thought, every now & then i have something interesting to add to the discussion. But, the web has changed since the days i fell in love with it. Blogging has changed. No amount of breaks, or dramatic exits is going to change that fact. it didn't work like this. it wasn't about this.

blogging, for a while, broke down the normal social tendencies to group around ideologies and beliefs. it was about exploration. about marvelling at the freedom we had about scrapping with people because they were idiots, but having fun doing it. now, it's a tool for your friends to laugh at your inside jokes, or keep up with you, or to reinforce how right you are all the time.

i'm almost never right. i make ridicuously poor choices based on my momentary emotions and though i could control most any situation with most any person i tend to play it on my belly and take advantage of an opportunity to learn something about something.

When i returned a couple few months ago, i did it to fuck with you. I admit that. I wanted to play out an imagined role and see if it was any fun. Try a few new ideas out and see what stuck. I did that, i played, and you played. we had fun.

but, clearly, the novelty has worn off. for me too. not just you. and thats not fun.

i'm not wasting my time. time is the only resource i actually posess. you have your SUV's and your D70s and your big screen TVs and i have time.

I'm not crying foul, or whining about how things suck now. but the sad fact is, regardless of how good you write, how interesting you are, how often, or how good, there is a ceiling on who you can reach. that ceiling is implied in the very setup. i'm fine with that i guess. but, it runs you out of engaged readers really fast.

that's fine. you get a lump on your teste. maybe it kills you, maybe it just kills your teste. you never know until it happens. now i know so i'm wrapping up the personal side of this blog.

I will be continuing the photoblog. it will be made the default for ruzz.typepad.com later today. but don't expect nearly as much photography. I've been doing a lot of thinking and it's time to get focused in that realm as well. Which means resisting the crutch of macro yard shots and building myself up so i can get to the work that i'm losing sleep thinking about.

the photolog will become more of a clearing house of photography talk, links, thoughts and the occassional photography.

The daily photo (photo.ruzz.ca) is being taken down. as are the numerous *.ruzz.ca sites. poetry, moments, technotes and whatever else i have floating out there.

I may, if i can delineate between my work and my personal photography, add a blog that contains a personal record of my life. meaning little to most, other than me, but i don't mind sharing that with you, if you find something you like, cool. if not, it won't matter because i'm doing it for me anyways.

don't take this post wrong. if you can.

all i'm saying is life is about experimenting. trying shit out. learning. growing. exploring. i did that here, i don't like the return on the energy. test=failed. but it was a key step for me to get past my romantic notions about myself and the blogging world. now, i'm not giving you folks one drop of extra energy. im not wasting it anymore.

i'm going to put it into what intrests me. helps me. stretches me (like photolush) and if you folks dig it, then everyone wins. but the impetus is off you folks to return the output, because it's no longer for you.

i think it has to make it better for everyone. and if it doesn't, i'm dynamic. i have no problems eating my own words and changing again.

i don't give any worth to being right. only growing, refining, improving.

call that whatever you want. you will anyways.

Posted by ruzz on September 23, 2004 at 03:25 PM in that moment when you just | Permalink | Comments (7) | TrackBack

Friday, September 10, 2004

trust, the bamboo shoot under the nail of life

sometimes i let my self wander. sometimes i let myself think and feel shit that maybe i shouldn't really think, or feel. people don't get old, they just get tired of being wrong all the time. they get tired of believing in things and being made a fool. thats how it works. it's hell on your skin.

and me. lil ol me. well, i'm having a real hella hard time with this photography gig. i'm so completely overrun with it, and i catch myself, when it's not around, asking if maybe it's not just infatuation.

but then my mind wanders to that joy, the pure joy of the shot you were dreaming of. and how it sticks to your insides. how it makes you forget your rent, and your chest cold, and your fatigue. not too many things in life can do that.

but i'm 1,000,000 times bitten, twice shy.

being an extremist in everything i do, sometimes it's hard to distinguish when you are holding something real, or if you're just lost in something which will fade and die away.

i try to compare my past passions.
i try to put this new love up against the old.

how did those things feel.
what did they mean.

were they false steps or step steps.

does it matter?

it matters.
because i'm an extremist with bad wrists it really really really matters.

i can't stay doing this computer gig for life. i can't. my body won't allow that, and i knew that years ago. and i always kinda watched out the sides of my eyes to see if maybe something interesting and viable was there.

fuck if i know how to go about going about.

and. what if im wrong again.

Posted by ruzz on September 10, 2004 at 02:51 PM in that moment when you just | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBack

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

caption this

PICT0258_resize

oh, you can caption this.
it's judekyle pissing on a church.

Posted by ruzz on August 31, 2004 at 03:23 AM in that moment when you just | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBack

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

rolling out of bed one day

i knew it by the way the shadows hung on my dresser, or
maybe how my lower back was holding knives, or
the click in my neck maybe
coulda been the grey grey skies
or just the empty hollow august air
but i knew it

today wasn't going to work
isn't going to work
won't be a day for the working

sometimes you just can tell

times like these call for booze
and cheap women

sadly i am out of both.

Posted by ruzz on August 24, 2004 at 03:32 PM in that moment when you just | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Sunday, August 22, 2004

never

20040822_141526_0008you don't wage a war on idleness when outside its cold and shitty.

Posted by ruzz on August 22, 2004 at 04:32 PM in that moment when you just | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Friday, August 20, 2004

finally

20040819_185132_0024i'm finally evening out here. calming down. seeing things a bit more

clearly.
god.

tegan is such a huge stablizing force in my world :)

Posted by ruzz on August 20, 2004 at 01:06 PM in that moment when you just | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBack