Sunday, September 12, 2004


This post, where i left my fates up to the toss of a coin, just over a year ago, which preciptated the move i will be talking about later this week, is being reposted here to underline for me and some of my slower readers what i said. because sometimes, it's healthy to see what you said then what you did. and i don't want to paraphrase it all to shit then gloss it over. i'm good with words. i can talk my way around my mistakes. but, this here, this thing here just now, it aint about right or wrong.

it's about real. right or wrong.

The Mighty Mighty Coin of Fate --originally posted 25 aug 2003 @4:25pm.

one man's dream
is another man's nightmare.."
bryan adams - heat of the night.

I just made a damn fine cup of coffee. Damn fine. I see my by-the-cup MAX coffee with french vanilla creamer as, well, as a prelude to a kiss, if you will. We are here, today, to decide the immediate fate of ruzz.

The situation as it now sits is that a harsh summer of almost no contracts (as summer is wont to be) has lifted my legs from beneath me. A year of real struggle has left me wondering what it is i'm holding to. What i keep pulling rabbits out of the hat for.

I thought i was working towards something. I really honestly thought i was sacrificing for, you know, something.

But what is that something? I seem to have lost sight of it. I seem to have lost memory of it. I'm a drunk in an alley realizing i've no idea where the hell i was walking to.

I cared about something at some point. i'm almost sure of it. It made me retrain myself. It made me shift from tech to code. It lead me from the cushy job to the crazy and damned if i can recall what it was.

So i've been going through the motions. Fighting epic battles against my own income. Finding ways to get on, get by, where there were none. Surviving when everyone thought i would break, thought i would cave.

and i didn't.

Even when my legs got cut out from under me last october. Even when my breath was stolen from me in the recent. Even when i sat alone and realized alone is the truth of things. the way of things. I cracked a few times. Big ugly cracks. but i always found a way to mend them and just keep on.

and so here we are.

the on the verge of my thirty-second birthday, for all that matters. facing eviction once again. Having no reasonable course out of it, again. Knowing, like i know how the rain feels on my bald head, that if i want to i can find a way through it. knowing the battle isn't about how long i can hold on anymore. its about why i am holding on.

I've proven everything i need to prove to myself about my ability to sustain.

I know now, that no matter what i face i will face it and be okay. That no matter what ugly bitch of a situation i face, I will survive. With or without you, or them, or they. Without the sycophants. without the lemmings. Without everything and everyone.

I hit rock bottom a few weeks ago and its churning my insides inside out.

i can't seem to put it out of my mind. I can't seem to let go of the idea that rock bottom was deftly avoided when my life crumbled around me almost 5 years ago and it just sorta popped up and had its way with me when i wasn't expecting it.

if this were a book we just hit some kinda story arc or something. But it isn't a book. it's a life. or something like it. and all i can smell is the fall. The newness of fall and the cooler winds. the softer tones. the energy of transformation.

we go lean in the winter and come out beautiful next spring.

I feel like i did almost 16 years ago. I was a kid on the verge of my license. had me a new girl. had me a cool jean jacket and was about to find freedom for the first time in my life.

I sat in a parking lot in my '74 mustang and waited for my girlfriend to get off work. I remember being drunk on possibility. Everything around me had a flow to it --which i did not recognize then but now do-- and there was a vibrance to my life that i never managed to hold on to for more than an afternoon.

that car changed everything for me. The first day i had my license and could drive alone i really thought anything was possible. Silly isnt it, given how i feel about cars now. But it was the absolute and unforgettable moment in my life when i felt like what every i wanted to do.... i could.

i never feel that way anymore. except, now. I feel it some. I feel the long since rusted chains (of my own creation) are straining to hold me. I feel my shoulders buck and writhe. small breaks put me into spaces i havent walked for ages.

I never planned this life i'm living. I got it with the body. you know? like a toss in. a throw away.

i loved computers my entire life but never thought i would work with them for my pasta and tp. I thought: architect? writer? politician? lawyer? god? assassin? porn star?

never computers.

and you lay your head in her arms and she becomes you, and she absorbs you, and she consumes you.

a lot of melodrama for one post, i know. Trust me i know. I'm trying to talk myself into something here. Not the something you think either. I'm trying to talk myself into trusting the mighty mighty coin of fate.

I've hobbled on for months without finding my way into a decision. I've obsessed and toiled and generally just hung my entire life on the line hoping a path would present itself inevitable. it didn't, and won't. homie don't play that.

so i've almost decided to leave it up to the coin. toss the coin and just fucking go with whatever it say. life is never much more than a gamble so why pretend otherwise? why make it seem like there is more going on than pure chance? I've fostered the anti-chance elements in my life to the point where nothing happens by chance. not even accidents.

We're talking about walking away from it all here. Putting away five years of dreams and plans and hard work and just doing whatever i feel like. I know i can't be any worse off than i am now. Even wal-mart employees eat better than i do.

poverty has taught me so much. stripped away so many bullshit ideas. really pushed the walls out and made so much more possible. Walls that were constructed by $50/hr jobs and $1500 tequila binges. They say its better to have loved and lost than never to love at all, but they never say that about having dough do they? no. never. that would be retarted. better to be poor forever than have money and lose it.

so, the deal. the deal as im thinking it. Toss the coin of fate. let it decide between art and commerce. Between point a and point be on the map of my possible futures.

just toss that fucker and see what happens.

it aint mad code poet for nothing.

okay. lets do this. lets just grab a coin right now and do it. hold on.

heads is art. tails is commerce. wish me luck....

My hands are sweaty. im playing the game with sweaty palms. I tossed it. it's decided. the next few steps are decided. for good or bad, they are decided once and for all.

I almost chickened out then...

the hip came on the radio. Blow at high dough.

"well i ain't no movie star but i can get behind anything yea i can get behind anything"

and i tossed it.

safe in the arms of the hip i tossed it with a promise to live whatever it gave me. To "get behind anything" it served up.

I watched it roll against the backdrop of my balcony window. the yuppie homes with their imported woods. my coin. my future rolling through the air. time almost stopped. we revere what we believe in and we believe in what we revere.

it landed and i put it on my left wrist. looked around. nervous. unsure as ive ever been because i made a promise to myself and i keep my promises to myself. even when you dont. they dont.

you're wondering what came up arent you?

let me roll a smoke and tell you how this is going to go down. brb.

The mighy mighty coin of fate has for once and all time declared: HEADS.

art wins. a landslide victory in the pale light of my own inactivity. So here is the course that lay before me. I will be calling jude and kiki and accepting their offer to reside with them for a couple of months. I will be finding a home for my servers, i hope that offer is still good. I will be finding a home or homes for shell and annabelle (hopefully temporary homes).

I'm going to start packing tonight. after i get off book. BBT will continue indefinitely. as long as users want it to. I will continue to host my customers. don't fret. that will all go on. But, what won't go on is the garnering of new customers for bigguymedia. the project work. The planned projects. no more.

What will happen is a shit job that lets me act, write and dircect. I will focus my energies almost fully on symbiosis and getting some films made. on getting from here to where ever there is.

one thing has been decided though. If i do conquer the world, it won't be by ones and zeros.

im going to make a phone call.

Posted by ruzz on September 12, 2004 at 09:09 PM in retro ruzz | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack