daily ruzz

everydayevery

you know what them cats say. they say every day cant be a good day. them cats, they know what they're talking about.

fuck you.

I've decided just now, in an act of self sabatoge, or rebellion--you decide--that i'm taking today, tomorrow and tuesday off.

I will make one exception for that, in the form of a phone call to a prospective client. nothing else.

everyone else who wants, needs,  or simply can't continue to exist without something they want from me can fuck off.

I had an extremely trying week in the form of pestulance and being emotionally ass raped over a simple dispute of fact, and i've been sticking to it to see myself to rent and food. I have those things, and my obligation to the rest of the world just took second seat to my own need to repair, rest and clean my head out some.

i'm so jazzed that i have read the same page in a book 3 times in a row because i can't quiet the hum in my ears. My neck has gone to whatever place lives beyond spasms. call it exhastive clenching--whatever. my body is shutting down on me, my brain is collapsing inward and more than any of that i just feel like no one else is going to say ruzz, you deserve a break. take one.

so, despite the potential damages to whatever could be damaged by a three day delay, i'm going on strike till my head feels like a head, not a semi-conductor.

and anyone who can't get behind that can take a ticket, go to window three and get a hearty fuck you, compliments of the house.

bon.

giventake

i think my posts are going to be sparse for a couple days. i'm feeling a bit unsheathed right now. a bit raw. and i don't figure spilling that all over the web is going to make anything any better.

just thought i would save all you ten-times-a-day-ers a couple clicks.

yeah.

why am i up

the thing is, the thing, it's like this: way back when your ass smelled of diaper (and your diaper smelled of ass) there was shit your mom wanted to break down but couldn't figure out how to explain.

then, when you were older and were all hyper-active and overtired and underslept bouncin off the walls grandma yelling at you "you just sit your behind down mister" there was shit she wanted to tell you then too, but acting like linda blair's aborted fetus on coke sent mama to the bottle instead.

and she woulda told you, if she could, that most days as you got all grow'd up would be like that day. Like, headspinning, and tired, and overhyper and underactive and feeling sure you left your carbonite frozen han solo with little bobby i-live-down-the-effin-street --which is how he introduced himself and his breath always smelled of handsoap. most days, mama woulda said, most days aren't fer shit.

and bobby i-live-down-the-effin-street moved away.

his dad kept parking his car in other mom's garages and bobby i-live-down-the-effin-street said he figured his mom didn't like that. we both just figured it left room in his dad's garage for hockey when it was raining, but we didn't get the metaphor.

i'm not sure i quite get it now.

where was i.
right.
right.

everything in my head is allajumble because i've got only seven hours sleep in two days.
and last night i went to bed at 12:37 (EXACTLY) but tossed
and turned
and thought about code
and thought about life
and thought about not sleeping

and got up around 3:30 for a smoke and to marshall the troops around the idea of actually sleeping.

so i fell asleep for a while and was up at 6am.
and i felt pretty awake. more awake than the average american at least. so i got up, smoked some more, and tried to find the bright side.

because if i don't act like a retard right when i get up, chances are i won't all day.

and the bright side, is the light was great between 6:42 and 7:17 and while i didn't use it as fully as i mightve, i still enjoyed the idea that i mightve.

kinda like sex with a condom.
you got all the motions right
but something is getting lostinthetranslation
maybe like the important parts. the feeling

just that.

so see, if mama had said that it would be like this i coulda prepared some.
i wouldn'tve because i'm pretty lazy, but i couldve.