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Wednesday, October 20, 2004


sleep. no sleep. i'm tired of talking, thinking, feeling about sleep. it's over-rated, any old ways. last night a customer was here and he says "russ, you look like shit man." I thanked him. what else can you say to that?

he got here at the tail end of almost three straight days of trying to build a server that won't come into this world. it just will not. and at first, i thought maybe i could coax it in. now, i'm thinking i should coax it into little peices instead.

he asked me, "why are you so concerned about this server?" and i told him.

told him i need to move ineluctable and every other hosted site on bgm1 before it dies. told him, i need it for an app thats nearing testing. told him there is a principal to the fuckin thing.

being in my 21st year of working on computers i feel pretty strongly that i should win these fights. regardless of who dies because of it, the battle needs to go my way in the end. 21 years. 1983-2004. and still, even explaining all that to the server--nothing.

and he said i should take a couple steps back and think about "priorities" and i said, in the computer world life doesn't work like that. We work on "this is broken now, i have to fix it now" and this is symbolic of my entire life.

my life is an analogy, it seems.

i've also been working on my wiki. it's been more work fending off inquiries of what a wiki is than to get it populated inbetween server reboots. i can't tell you what a wiki is. no one can. i can tell you what makes it work, i can show you what mine is when it's ready, but your wiki would be your wiki. no two wiki's are alike. kinda like elbows.

jude is getting a wiki too. he says he will use it if i get the sw running. well, guess where i planned to have that running? the new server, very clever.

i haven't been taking pictures. i thought to myself, ruzz, capture this period. this insomnia and wood panelling. the breaking snow-ice. your breath in the air. then i decided i didn't really want a record of this. i hate this period between fall and winter. always.

i imagine this time to be what everyday for a suicidal depressive is like. dark. grey. sleepless and empty.

maybe it's not like that. maybe suicidal depressives are like wikis and elbows. all different. right down to the wood panelling.

and i did think about the order in which i'm working on things. and i realized my techie brain is beating out my business brain. so i've unplugged that evil server. i don't care what goes down, or who. it's waiting till i have time to get to it.

and, if i look at things without that on my back, i see that it's the 20th of the month and i need a day of hard code to cleanse this gunk.

then comes the easy stuff to get smokes and bread. then comes more code, then more easy for internet and scrubs. then..

i can sleep later. i would say when i'm dead, but that's cliche, and i'm immortal. not to mention, when you are dead, you're dead --not catching up on your sleep.

you think if depressives knew, like really knew, that they might be less like elbows?

Posted by ruzz on October 20, 2004 at 12:49 PM in will kill for a good sleep | Permalink


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