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Monday, September 13, 2004

Dear God: A request from your humble ruzz.

G man.

i'm sorry i haven't blogged to you in a while. You know how it is. When things are pretty good around here i don't need a fictional character to help me through my days. well, that's not fair. I always need a fictional character, but some days it isn't the one people describe as you.

anyways, listen to me ramble on like granny at an effin bake sale. look. i'm writing you now to make a small request. I know my record with you is a bit.. shabby. i know i said if you let me shag that super fine mama i would convert legions. i say all sorts of shit though, and i figured, you know, you're god, so you should know when im outright lying to you.

and if you didn't. Turn in your robe.

but hey, the request.

Could you, would you, pretty please with sugar and spice... could you do unto mel gibson as he has done unto our boy christ?

The Passion of The Christ. Wow. Bad. if i was rating your fuckups on a holy holy scale man, i would put allowing this movie to exist right up there with letting our brother saul load up his epistles with homophobic hate literature. serious.

i'm going to even farther and say, if wasn't fertile soil for the seed of the lord, i might be sippin the last drop of my cup o faith, yo. really. that bad. it's a strong argument against you even existing. cuz, well, i would think you would be sorta protective of the image of your only son.

i would if i had a son.
i think most would.

i can say, because i know how you hate all the negativity, being a god of endless love and forgivness (so says Jman much to the chagrin of those wiley jews) that i dug the awesome revelation of jesus' hidden super powers. wurd on that one.

it's not written anywhere that i've read, and you know how much i've read, that jesus could store the blood of 27,000 men in that tiny effeminate bod of his. nope. never read it, but mel made me a believer. Litre after Litre. amazing.

you do metric up there dontcha?

and the other thing. the thing about the superfuckinstrong hand flesh? wow. that was a zinger i didn't see comin. I know it must be true, cuz i saw it with mine on eyes. they put those big ass nails right through the palms of his hands and then strung him up, and i was just rivited to see what they would do when his body weight tore the nails right clean out of his hands.

never happened.
that jesus. tough fuckin hands.

all the other people the romans crucified had to be nailed through the wrist bones to keep them up. but i guess they just looked at him and knew. this kid, he can take it.

and i liked the bit about the blocks too. the blocks under the legs. how they pretty much defeat the point of crucification which is a breaking of the will with the penalty of death. see, lots of good folk died on crosses and they just plain ran out of strength to hold themselves up, and when they did, they quickly ran out of air because their lungs couldn't contract to draw air.

them romans knew what they was doin.

but i guess jesus was a special case. hell i know he was. and mel, well mel knew it too, didn't he.

i think maybe we ought nail ol mel up now. watchin that gave me a big hankerin for a crucification and i was plannin on bush. but now, i figure its only right to end mel. just fuckin end that self absorbed, uncontrolled plight on the face of filmmaking while we still can.

while we can still remember braveheart and payback.

i hope it's in your plans to help me fuck that aussies shit right up. but i will understand if it aint. who is ruzz to question your will? if your on the same page as me, and i expect you will be, seein as your smart and all, i say we put up everyone who fucking cried in that movie too--excepting the people who were crying over the bad edits, of course.

yeah, lets do those retarded motherfuckers too.

i think i could go on forever god. i'm stone cold mad about this.

i should get to bed.
if you exist you will do whats right. i know it.

ruzz.

ps. if you could, put the loonie i spent on the movie under my pillow tonight. i mean comeon. no one should have to pay to be subjected to 2 hours of gross abuse.

pps. screw the buck. put it under zach braff's pillow. tell him its from me help him make his next film.

pps. tell him theres more where that came from if he spits on mel next time he bumps into him at one of those hollywood shindigs.

Posted by ruzz on September 13, 2004 at 04:58 AM in blogs to an uncaring deity | Permalink

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Comments

Thanks for confirming for me that I did the right thing in not going to see, "The Bloody Mess That Was Not Even Close to Reality"

I hear Pontuis Pilate the jew murdering despot gets a free ride as well. But what do you expect from a religion whose orthodoxy was formulated by a Roman emperor. Wait a sec, wasn't Pontius "What the hell string him up" Pilate a Roman?

Ow, started thinking there for a moment. Nothing screws up religious conviction like thinking. And for God's sake don't read a book. Unless of course it's the King James Version of the Bible.

Enough already. Leave Mel alone. God will make sure he get's what's coming to him... Lethal Weapon 27-Murdock Wears Short Pants

Posted by: Stephen | Sep 13, 2004 8:00:25 AM

Ah, yes, the extraordinarily improbable "flogging" scene. Most people I know who had a problem with it disliked the violence. I detested the physiological inaccuracy. Yeah, I know, JC, Son of God and all that - but IT'S A HUMAN VESSEL! With the limitations that go with that! 2 things would've happened: he would've bled to death from a massive loss of blood (since the Romans - and Mel - left no square inch of flesh unrended) or he would've AT LEAST gone into shock and lost consciousness. More likely both, latter then former.

Dude, I went to it in the THEATRE. Luckily Moose Jaw, so only $8 and not $11, but still. I walked out into the lobby and turned to my friend and said "What an overblown piece of crap." And that's exactly what I thought. Sure there were a couple "moving" moments, especially for the gaggle of grannies in the audience, but come ON.

I was also waiting for the "proper" crucifixion technique, through the wrists above the joint, realizing that that would kinda fuck up the whole stigmata thing (it's not as dramatic if the wounds show up on your FOREARMS, is it?).

I'm also curious to know what Mel is going to do with his untold (literally) millions in "blood money". Since this was supposedly made as a big thank-you card to his faith, is he building a huge new church with the profits, or a big new estate for himself and his own legion (of offspring).

Posted by: absolut doc | Sep 13, 2004 8:23:26 AM

amen brothers

Posted by: jude | Sep 13, 2004 8:51:00 AM

Dearest Ruzz,

It was a movie.

Chill out man.

Last time i checked movies were not sole representations of truth. I thought you knew that.

Hate to burst your bubble.

Every few years, some sod (usually someone struggling with sin or questioning their faith) thinks they can make a movie that is an acurate representation of what they feel my "truth" is.

Funny, i don't see how they can, seeing as they weren't around when the truth happened.

But hey, i've never been one to thwart creativity (i let you fuck around with that camera, don't i?) and frankly the publicity isn't too bad for me either.

Especially with all those Dianetics freaks out there.

And Mel is a good boy. A bit flawed, but who isn't? He goes to church, he's procreated, he's a bit cheap when the collection plate comes around, but all in all he's not a bad bloke.

So when Peggy from PR said we needed to get another movie made at the general meeting a few years back, everyone agreed that he seemed like a good choice. Public approval ratings were down, and i was losing "cred" with the youth audience. Research told me that Mel had a nice, broad appeal. I was a bit skeptical, but Scorcese had done his turn, Lucas doesn't know how to quit, Stone is, well, nuts and i don't think Tarantino has done anything as good as Resevoir Dogs. And when you don't regulate these things bad shit happens.

Think Donny Osmond.

Shudder.

Anyhoo,I'm not big on the movie shows myself, but i know you kids like them. I prefer a good book. That thing Sue Grafton does with the alphabet is so clever!

But I digress.

Yeah, there were some liberties taken. I went on holidays and when i came back he had diverted a bit from the plan, and was all gung ho on the Ameraic thing. But once again research felt you sheep, er, folks down there could handle it, and that the controversy would spark some much needed debate.

So i rolled with it because i'm cool like that.

And i frankly don't believe he sullied my Son at all.

Yeah, there was a lot of blood.

But remember, the blood of all men flows through His veins.

Yes, His hands did not rip from the weight of His body.

But My spirit held Him up, and My strength overcame His human weakness.

And yeah, there was a bit of an extension of disbelief required. But aren't you the guy who loved Star Wars?

Yeah, like that all happened.

So in the end, those who believe enjoyed. They went back to church. They solidified their faith.

Some who were on the fence converted. The movie was the impetus for them to declare their belief in Me.

And those who don't believe, those who take whatever opportunity they are given to scourge my name and, say, i dunno, pee on my house, saw the movie anyway.

And now those images, good or bad, are burned into their brains.

I mean, you coulda just skipped the movie.

But you had to see it, didn't you?

You just had to see it, so you could be all smug and comment. I even notice the heathen Judekyle watched, although he was noticeably silent.

Cat got your tongue Judie?

So Peg was right.
Even the doubters saw the movie. They had to.
They couldn't resist.

And now, you can't get that time back.
So no matter what you thought of it, i win.
I win.
I win.
I win.

It worked perfectly. Just like those old recruitment movies the army used to show. You heard the drums baby, and you walked willingly into battle. Followed that flock thinking you would spite me with your critical words and indignant disaproval.

But i'm still here kid. Nothing you can say or do can change that. And I have yet another indelible historical reference devoted to my Son and my believers.

I'm giving Peggy a raise!

Bless you my child,

Love
God

Posted by: The Holy One | Sep 13, 2004 7:53:10 PM

Nice work. I like a sprinkling of humour on my bowl of Heresy Flakes.

Posted by: absolut doc | Sep 13, 2004 10:44:08 PM

aaaaah big g,

what's the deal holy one? still having trouble with peggy and mike and gabe and the rest of your board of directors? when are you going to shuck off their shabby advice and just admit to the world that the son, whose strange myth you perpetuate for fear of it getting in the way of their precious freedom of choice, is actually me?

sure it would make you look bad if the christians knew that it is i, good old luc, who am all about love and turning the other cheek, and it's you who smites and smotes all over the place. if you just sucked it up and didn't let your pseudo-omnipotent ego get in the way they'd forgive you. well, most of them would anyway. they'd much rather be smote than loved.

but i guess you'd rather just hold meetings with your board, delegate authority, and have your angelic technocrats go out and derail my plans for love and peace.

i have to admit that throwing the bone to mel was a masterstroke. a nice move on our cosmic chessboard. i'm still trying to figure out who that bald fruity women was, though? make sure when you're talking to mel next time you let him know that the romans really didn't kick the shit out of me that bad. there was a little blood, but nothing my adopted human form couldn't handle. and while we're on the subject of mel: come on big g, quit trying to take credit for my accomplishments. i leave the nice little wrist scars on as a reminder of the fun times i had with my apostles and the great trick i played on you and your crazy "chosen" followers. it's just not right for you to be confusing folks like the dali ruzz about where the wounds were located and how your great power kept me on the cross.

just focus on your market research, move your "chosen people" one step closer to missy's coming (i bet she has some surprises in store for them), and leave me my one great triumph. you have to admit i've earned it, for entertaining you at least.

btw...give me a ring when you're around next month and we'll shoot a round of golf. but don't bring peggy. she makes my nipples itch and my scrotum ache.

love ya g,
the unholy one (a.k.a. luc, a.k.a. jc)

p.s. you also might want to mention to peggy, if she's still in charge of the omniscience department, that little judie wrote a big long post about mel's little movie many moons ago.

p.p.s. in case i forget, the prophet is a big pee fetishist and his golden shower of your church was an act of love -- not derision. peggy really needs to keep you better informed. or is it gabe who's in charge of sexual repression these days? it's so hard to keep up.

Posted by: the unholy one | Sep 14, 2004 2:38:14 AM